Kris: Dude, I’ll never forget the first time I saw an Asian. I must have been about five or six years old and I was in the subway with my mother, I think we were in Paris, when I saw it out of the corner of my eye. There was a middle-aged, I assume Chinese, man leaning against the doors. So I pulled my mom’s coat and asked her “Mom, what is that fish-like looking creature?”. To which she replied: …

Nothing, she didn’t reply anything because I’m pretty sure I’m making this up. However, I do remember being in the subway when I was a kid and a seeing a Chinese, or Japanese gentleman, fuck, or a Korean gentleman for the first time and literally staring at him for minutes, I was amazed, I couldn’t stop looking at him and wondering where it’s gills had gone.


Everybody, quit your job, now.

Kris: Bro, I quit my job the other day.

-Damn bro.

Kris: The first thing I felt was relief.


Kris: Because I lied to my boss and told him that I used to box.


Kris: Because I thought it would make me look cool. But after I said that, he wanted me to fight his cousin.


Kris: So I had been training for this fight terrified of what I’d gotten myself into, thinking that if I lost I might as well kiss my job goodbye.

-Why are you being so dramatic?

Kris: Because I kinda implied I used to be a pro.

-You’re such a dumb loser, bro.

Kris: Yeah.. So that’s why I felt relief when I quit my job. But the next day my boss’ boss called me and..

-Don’t tell me you quit your job but you got a promotion and a raise instead?

Kris: Exactly.

-But the fight is still on?

Kris: Yeah..



Kris: Until you haven’t tasted dog meat don’t hate on it.

Vlad: Why?

K: Cause it’s the bomb.

V: Fine, I’ll pretend like I give a shit about dogs: but how could you? They’re so cute. I could never eat a dog.

K: Beautiful. That’s so fucking dumb. What’s not cute about rabbits, or cows or pigs or pigeons or pheasants or deer? We eat all that shit.

V: Yeah, but not dogs..

K: Why not? I think that’s the questions we should be asking, why don’t we eat dogs? I can imagine McDonalds already: McDawg or McPaw.

V: So you liked it?

K: I had it once eleven years ago and I absolutely loved it, fine, I’m kinda exaggerating but it was pretty good. You can only eat it in winter, though, because it makes your body super warm, or at least that’s what the Chinese say.

V: I’m sure they say that.

K: Apparently Koreans love their dogs too.

V: You mean eat them?

K: Yeah, but I’m not sure. I should do some research, or not, I just know this story a Mexican friend of mine once told me.

V: You have a Mexican friend?

K: Wow, that question reeks of racism.

V: Please, continue.

K: Well, he told me that when Koreans built a factory in his hometown, within a month of them relocating there, all street dogs disappeared.

V: So the Koreans ate all the street dogs?

K: I think that’s the implication. Imma make some Korean friends and ask them.

V: That’s gonna be a wonderful opening line: “Hey, I’m trying to make some Korean friends because I would like to find out whether or not your countrymen devoured all street dogs in a remote Mexican village.”

K: Wish me luck.


Vlad: What’s a chigga?

Kris: A Chinese Nigga, like 2 Chainz.

V: Who?

K: Forget it, it’s an inside joke.

V: What the fuck is a Chinese nigga?

K: It’s a Chinese person who’s all about that hip hop life.

V: That hip hop life?

K: Yes, “eberrriiiitiiing iz naaaaaating”

V: The fuck?

K: Sorry, that’s another inside joke.

V: What are these jokes between you and the middle-aged chick that never masturbated?

K: Oh, that’s so inappropriate.

V: Right, what were you saying about Chinese niggas?

K: That’s not really inappropriate, Mexicans and Asians use the n-word like they own it so why can’t we? We have to fight for our rights.

V: Kinda like slavery, then?

K: Exactly.

V: Isn’t that ironic?

Your new gf

Kris: Dude, your new girlfriend is so ugly. You know what? You’re a pussy, men get ugly girls because they make them feel safe. They know nobody else will want to fuck her so they don’t have to worry about being cheated on.

Vlad: No, I’m just ugly.

Go rape yourself

Kris: Yo dude, I met this chick that doesn’t masturbate.

Vlad: What?

K: Yeah, she doesn’t.

V: What do you mean?

K: Well, she says she doesn’t like it. She can live without sex for a year.

V: So she smashes a stranger once a year?

K: Well, I might keep this one.

V: As a trophy?

K: Not for me, for her, so she doesn’t have to live without sex.

V: Dude, how ugly is she?

K: She was in a pretty bad car crash when she was young but she still has her vagina.

V: “She still has her vagina” Wtf dude? So she’s like a walking pocket pussy to you?

K: You just defined all women.

V: Walking pocket pussies?

K: Yeah, just a shame they talk though. Well, they could make noise if it were up to me but just moaning or pre-programmed sentences like “yes, i love it”, “harder”, “deeper”.

V: The harder thing never works for me because if I go any harder Imma cum.

K: Yeah.. so back to that deformed chick that doesn’t masturbate.. Maybe she was molested as a child?

V: I think she just went to catholic school and the nuns told her that the bible says that..

K: Yeah, omg, so basically she’s just dumb?

V: Probably, hold on, I have to google this “why some women don’t masturbate”, let’s see: Why are all the sites that come up British?

K: Maybe this social issue is at its most critical in Britain nowadays?

V: Got some wonderful answers: “masturbating is for losers” and “if you don’t feel like it, don’t”.

K: Hmm, I’m such a loser. Yo Vlad, you loser.

V: No, you’re a loser.

K: No, you are.

V: No, you’re mom is.

K: Probably, well, I hope so for her. Fuck me, a life without pleasuring yourself, you might as well go and hang yourself.

V: And “Don’t do it if you don’t feel like it”, yeah no shit. Hey, why don’t you go rape yourself? You’ll love it.

K: Actually, I think that’s wonderful advice for children.

V: So, to everyone who has never masturbated before: go rape yourself!