Beards

Kris: Dude, I’m gonna grow a beard.

-But, you’re not ugly.

Kris:  That’s not the reason.

-What, you’re trying to make up for shaving your legs?

Kris: I’m an athlete, we’re supposed to shave our legs to facilitate post-work out massages.

-Dude, there’s scientific research that proves there’s shit, human faeces, in all beards.

Kris: All beards?

-Yup. Here you go:

“According to microbiologists, hairy face could actually be dirtier than a toilet bowl because of the rancid bacteria that beards collect. John Golobic, of Quest Diagnostics in New Mexico, swabbed a number of beards searching for bacteria and determined that while several beards contained normal bacteria, some contained so much poo they were comparable to toilets.”

 

Kris: Fuck me.

-Yeah, and you’re dumb-ass girlfriend, she might as well lick your asshole.

Kris: Dude, I love that shit. There was this super high-end prostitute I fucked once in Shanghai, oh my fucking God, she left my asshole cleaner than your mother’s fake teeth.

-How do you know she wasn’t my mother?

Kris: Because she swallowed.

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Paul Savastano Walker

Kris: Ciro died.

-No fucking way.

Kris: Genny did him dirty.

-No way, because of his father?

Kris: Perhaps that convinced him to pull the trigger, but he basically had to.

-What do you mean he had to?

Kris: It was either him or Ciro.

-Fuuuuuuuuck.

Kris: Yeah man.. Ironically before he killed him Ciro took a proverbial bullet for him.

-And for taking the proverbial bullet he got the real one?

Kris: Yeah man, dude had a death wish. I supposed he was tired of living in hell. All alone.

-Well, he did that to himself, really, dude was crazy.

Kris: Maybe but I’d say disturbed.

-Instead of crazy?

Kris: Yeah, it’s not like he was a psycho.

-What now?

Kris: I don’t know, I just read they’re filming the fourth season in London as we speak.

-At least Genny’s still in it.

Kris: Yeah, he’s basically the only “good”, likeable and respectable bad-ass motherfucker left.

-Yeah, they’ll have to bring a gang of new actors in because they keep killing them.

Kris: Lol, whoever writes the screenplays must get tired of characters quickly.

-Or maybe it’s the producers who tell the screenwriter “That actor is a real pain to work with, make him catch a bullet in about two episodes.”

Kris: I can imagine the actors sitting at the conference table trying to negotiate their contract when whoever is in charge financially tells them “Look guys don’t get too fucking greedy or else the only thing you’ll be wearing next episode is a bullet.”

-Yeah man, I fucking hated it when Bomba and Gennaro’s only other friend got shotgunned to Allah.

Kris: Yeah man, I actually felt bad for Genny.

-Poor chubby Gennarino, he needs to learn to put down the Cheetos. Actually, he might have been happy his friends got their faces blown off: No one left to share the chocolates with.

Kris: I can see him in bed at night stress-eating while praying for the screenwriter to let him live a bit longer.

-And the producers telling him “Look, you either start getting on the treadmill or you’re out.”

Kris: Ha, and him replying “But you need me..”

-And them saying “Fuck it, we can use your brother, it worked for Paul Walker.”

Kris: And the next day he goes to talk to his brother and makes him promise to never do something like that to him.

-Like what?

Kris: Like orchestrating his death to make it look like a car crash just so he could be on the big screen.

Casual philosophy

Kris: Yo, yo, yo.

-Yippy yo yippie yay. How have you been?

Kris: Sad. A bit, not end-of-the-world sad or I-want-to-jump-off-a-building-sad, just sad.

-With or without tears?

Kris: Without.

-Oh, then you’re fine.

Kris: Some people cry on the inside you know?

-Oh, well, then..

Kris: Just fucking with you. But yeah, I’ve been a bit sad.

-Since when?

Kris: Just today.

-What’s up?

Kris: Well, life is life, some things just happen and others don’t.

-You took Philosophy in school didn’t you?

Kris: As a matter of fact I did. Nonetheless, I suppose that some things are meant to be and others aren’t. And the sooner we accept that truthful fact the easier life becomes.

-As opposed to?

Kris: As opposed to living in denial and trying to force things. We all have these ideas of how we want or expect things to work out in the future, and reality can often differ.

-And it’s wise to let go of those expectations when necessary?

Kris: Yes, if reality did not turn out like the picture we had in our head, well, that’s it, done. Reality is all there is, the here and now, all we can do is accept it and move on.

-Some might argue that that’s easier said than done.

Kris: Perhaps, nonetheless, we can all start with accepting reality, the present, as it is. Then we can take our time to move on.

-Fair enough. Why do I have the feeling that you just answered whatever questions you had inside of you?

Kris: Because I did. Without ever having read The Power of Now.

-Hold on, you mentioned that book, couldn’t we get money for that?

Kris: I’m not sure if it counts as an endorsement because as I stated, I’ve never actually read it. However, you have a point. Many of our readers might be curious now.

-Exactly, we just increased the sales of Eckhart Tolle, like we did for J.K. Rowling.

Kris: Not to worry my friend, I’ll get them on the phone and hammer out a deal.

-We also mentioned that Tolkien guy and Game of Thrones.

Kris: Fuck them, I don’t want their money.

-Sure, but all money is good, no?

Kris: Not when you have more than enough of it, we can afford it to be picky.

-Now you’re just being arrogant.

Kris: Fine, we’ll accept their money too.

-Good boy.

Kris: But we’ll give it away to some awesome charity like Unlimbited UK.

-Why?

Kris: As I said, I don’t want their money, and it’s an awesome charity.

-What do they do?

Kris: They give kids who have lost a limb, a fully functional 3D printed one. For free.

-3D printed limbs?

Kris: Correct, and fully functional. Kinda like iron man but with flashier colors.

-That’s awesome.

Kris: As I said.

Harry and the the twelve apostles

Kris: Yo, Harry Potter is bomb!

-Do you mean, the bomb?

Kris: No, just bomb.

-Right, okay.. Yeah, the books are not bad.

Kris: Are you fucking kidding me? The books are a fucking masterpiece. Fuck J. R. R. R. R. Tolkien or whatever his name is with his retarded hobbits and whoever the fuck wrote Game of Thrones, they’re all a bunch of inbred morons compared to that MILF that wrote the Harry Potter books.

-I’m not so sure it would be accurate to categorise her as a MILF but then again, everyone has the right to his own opinion. And taste is subjective, I suppose.

Kris: Fine. Cougar, then.

-I’m pretty sure they’re the same thing.

Kris: Whatever, any chick worth 650 million dollars is getting my vitamins, proteins and minerals. Regardless of her age.

-First of all, what does that make you? And second of all, I doubt there are minerals in your sperm.

Kris: Oh, you’re trying to be smart? Well, for your information, any woman awesome enough to have swallowed my babies has provided me with a signed written statement saying that my gunk does not only consist of vitamins, proteins and minerals but also precious gems such as diamonds and rubies. And once this precious substance has been absorbed into a female’s blood stream she will see rainbows for the next nine months.

-Are you implying that your seed is so potent it can impregnate even if absorbed through the mouth?

Kris: I’m just citing their signed written statements. You wanna talk about potency? My boy milk can keep concrete walls together.

-Like a superhuman superglue?

Kris: Correct, but more permanent.

-What has all this to do with Harry Potter?

Kris: Well, Harry Potter is awesome.

-Do you mean the character or the books in general or the movies?

Kris: Well, Harry’s not my favourite character, my gay crushes are Snape and Sirius Black.

-You’d fuck them?

Kris: Perhaps not so much Snape but Sirius? Hell yeah, dude’s got style.

-Doesn’t he die?

Kris: Yeah, for having too much swagger. Harry got him killed for stealing the spot light.

-You sure?

Kris: Yeah, it’s like the Bible, you gotta read between the lines.

-You’re comparing the Bible to Harry Potter?

Kris: Yeah, they’re in the same category, only the latter is readable.

-Readable?

Kris: Yeah, reading Harry P. doesn’t make you want to set the book on fire and pee on it.

-Doesn’t that kinda defeat the purpose of setting it on fire in the first place?

Kris: Perhaps, but not really, it’s all for dramatic purposes.

-And do you think others share that same sentiment?

Kris: Yeah, it can be the only reason for the Bible being the most-sold book in history.

-So you’re insinuating that all these years people have merely been buying Bibles so they could set them on fire and then piss on them?

Kris: Well, yes, people sensible enough to do so, because God knows there is no other use for that travesty of a book, if you can even call it that.

-Well, it consists of bounded written pages, so technically, yes, it’s a book.

Kris: Nonetheless, the Bible might have gotten a bit of a head start but I’m sure the HP sales will soon catch up.

-Right..

Kris: And if you’re still in doubt regarding my seed’s magical powers ask that bicycle of a mother of yours.

-That bicycle of a mother of mine?

Kris: Correct.

Breaking Fag

Kris: Hey, man.

-Dude, where have you been? I haven’t seen you in a week.

Kris: This asshole of a friend of mine convinced me to watch Breaking Bad.

-All five seasons?

Kris: Yeah.

-And?

Kris: What a waste of fucking time. Walter’s a pathetic fucking pussy all the way until the fourth season and his boyfriend Jesse, oh my fucking God, don’t even get me started on that retard. And everybody was like “you’re going to love Gus, he’s so gangster. Let me buy you a Pollos Hermanos t-shirt”. Gus was nothing but a fucking square, supposedly from Chile, who could barely speak Spanish. What the fuck is up with actors in tv series who’s character’s supposedly South American, yet, their Spanish is worse than Trump’s? Fuck me, I have this African-American buddy, who grew up in Chicago as a Black Stone whatever, gangster, or whatever. Anyhoo, I love that dude, he’s a great guy, makes a mean fried chicken with overcooked spaghetti but, fuck me, is he a ghost.

-A ghost?

Kris: Yeah, un fantasma, in Spanish it means someone who lies all the fucking time. He claims that he used to know El Chapo from whenever he would go partying in Mexico. He also claims that he used to be part of Mayweather’s crew. Whatever they call themselves.

-The Money Team.

Kris: Right, well , that. And his proof is a picture of him standing in front of Mayweather’s van.

-With Mayweather?

Kris: Fuck no, all on his own, in the middle of the night. You can barely see him.

-Because he’s black?

Kris: Because it’s the middle of the fucking night, you racist. And because he’s not smiling. And he also claims he’s Cuban but he can’t say one sentence in Spanish without sounding like a redneck. And if he ever brags to you about this big-ass pitbull he used to have, he’ll just show you a random picture on Google.

-What has all this to do with Breaking Bad?

Kris: Nothing, but Walter should’ve gone on a thorough search for his balls and killed Jesse the second he met Gus.

-Why?

Kris: Because that fucking moron shouldn’t have lasted longer than one fucking episode, let alone a season, let alone being the only guy who survives the whole fucking series. And they claim that the show is about friendship. The true, blissful, never-ending friendship between Walter and Jesse. Fuck that, Walter is gay as fuck for Jesse. Why the fuck else would he just stand there and watch while Jesse’s girlfriend was choking to death? Breaking bad is a wannabe gangster version of Brokeback Mountain.

-Uhu

Kris: And the show was slow as fuuuuuuuck. I fast-forwarded through all the shitty family drama. They should’ve cut all that unnecessary family bullshit out and focused on Walt and Jesse so that the suspense would build up to see when those two faggots would finally come out of Narnia.

-Are you sure you’re not a homophobe?

Kris: No dude, I’m just anti-semitic.

-I thought you were over that.

Kris: Yeah, that was until I saw an episode of Preacher last night which had a speech of David Hilter in it.

-Hilter?

Kris: Yeah, he’s Hitler, he escaped from hell and works in a deli. Hilarious. And the best thing is, the writer of the show is a Jew. Hahahahahahahahaha!

Transgenders and transsexuals

Kris: Dude, is a transgender woman a woman?

-Fucked if I know, that shit’s so confusing.

Kris: Cause if you think about it a transgender woman is a man who underwent a surgical procedure to have his balls and most of his penis removed.

-Most of his penis?

Kris: Yeah, a piece of the head of the penis is used to create his “clitoris”.

-What?

Kris: Yeah, and his “vagina” is basically a deep-ass cut in his pubic area.

-So, a wound basically?

Kris: Exactly a wound, because I was told by the only transgender I know that he always has to insert something in his “vagina”, like a tampon or something, otherwise this “vagina” simply heals shut.

-The fuck?

Kris: Yeah and he told me that his friend, who’s also a transgender, has a boyfriend with an enormous schlong.

-What’s a schlong?

Kris: A dick, so, last time this friend went to the doctor he was told that he must stop using his “vagina” for intercourse with his physically gifted partner, otherwise he would soon only have one hole to piss and to shit through.

-Are you fucking kidding me?

Kris: Not at all. So, if a man undergoes surgical procedures in an attempt to make his body resemble a woman’s, does that automatically make him a woman?

-Another question you could be asking is: Does it matter what an individual looks like externally if he identifies with a different gender internally?

Kris: That’s my next point. Because these men that undergo these procedures really feel like women inside, and usually, always have. So, if there is a God, he fucked up.

-Damn right he did, he put them in the wrong body.

Kris: Yeah, haha!

-And dude do you know that some men who become transgenders still like women?

Kris: It’s trippy as fuck, but yeah, there’s an actual term for that.

-So they’re basically lesbian women born in a men’s body.

Kris: I’d say so, yeah. And fuck, I just realised I’ve been using the wrong terminology all along. This shit is confusing as heeeeeeell.

-What do you mean?

Kris: I should’ve been referring to people who get a sex change operation as transsexual as opposed to transgender.

-Fuck me, what’s the difference?

Kris: Transgenders just identify with a different gender than the one they were born with. Transsexuals take it to the next level and get a sex change operation.

-I see.. So basically all transsexuals are transgenders but you’re only a transsexual after you get the operation?

Kris: Correct, unless there’s a whole niche of transsexuals that have undergone the operation for the fuck of it and are perfectly fine with the gender they were assigned at birth.

-LOL.

What?

Kris: Why did Gavin not join us for football on Saturday?

-I used to have one but I sold it because of financial problems. It was a Mazzi.

Kris: What?

-I used to have a car but I sold it.

Kris: What the fuck does that have to do with Gavin?

-Nothing, comment allez-vous?

Kris: Did you fall on your head or something? And what is a Mazzi?

-“Skirr, skirr, I drive it like I stole it, but that Mazzi I own it.”

Kris: The fuck’s a Mazzi?

-A Maserati. And a Beemer’s a BMW, a Rari’s a Ferrari, a Merck’s a Benz, a 6-4 is a Chevrolet Impala from 1964 and an Adolf is a VW.

Kris: What’s a VW?

-A Volkswagen.

Kris: And why is it called an Adolf?

-Because Volkswagen supposedly made the automobiles for the Nazis during the second Wold War.

Kris: The same way Hugo Boss made their uniforms?

-Yes, and it’s easy to feel a certain way about that, however, I doubt those companies had much say in the matter.

Kris: I get your point.

-Think about it, what would you have said if a gang of Gestapos came in your house put a gun in your mouth and forced you to produce something with them, assuming you had a factory?

Kris: I would’ve told them to go fuck themselves.

-That’s easy to say. You would’ve died over some bullshit like that.

Kris: Okay, let’s say I was VW, I would’ve made the cars with a mechanism where the breaks lock once a certain speed has been reached.

-That would’ve eventually lead to your death as well.

Kris: Not necessarily, it might have given me enough time to relocate myself and my family.

-Maybe.