Cursing for Facebook

Vlad: Bro, we have to stop cursing.

Kris: Fuck that. Why?

V: Dude, I just told you we need to stop cursing.

K: Yeah, but you didn’t say why.

V: Well, if we don’t stop cursing we can’t promote our infamous dialogues on Facebook.

K: Dude, fuck Facebook. We don’t need them.

V: Again, stop cursing and yes we need them, badly. We’ve been doing this for God-knows-how-long and we maybe have 70 followers..

K: Quantity is quality bro.

V: Right, so can we try to not curse from now on?

K: I can try, unless..

V: Unless what?

K: What if we can circumvent these pussy-ass restrictions?

V: Fuck, wait, is pussy a curse word?

K: Don’t know, don’t care. What I mean is what if we right “fuck” as “fack”.

V: That’s kinda gay.

K: Well, fuck you then, I’m going to keep cursing. Why should I change?

V: For the views, for the likes, so one day we can flex on the Gram.

K: Bro, fuck Instagram, we don’t need that shit.

V: Okay, okay, so we just stay true to ourselves?

K: Fuck yeah.

Condoms

Kris: I’m gonna stop using condoms.

Vlad: As if you get any.

K: Bro, I got hoes for days. Catch me on a Monday morning and I’m knee deep in pussy.

V: Sure. And if you ever do get some “pussy”, I suggest you do wear a condom.

K: Because they make you last longer?

V: Right.

K: But I thought you were against polluting the planet?

V: Exactly, you impregnating someone is a perfect example of that.

K: Auch. So we’re not even gonna skim the topic of STD’s?

V: STD’s are great, they make you feel alive.

K: The fuck? You’re supposed to be the sane one here.

Fauda

Kris: Duuuuuude, it’s been so long!

Vlad: I know right, over a year?

K: Who cares, really? They same time is relative. Speaking of which, I don’t know how much this truly relates but they’re filming The Matrix 4 in downtown L.A. as we speak.

V: Yeah, I saw something about that on Reddit.

K: A few nights ago I coincidentally attempted to watch the first one but the visual effects were just too bad.

V: Of course, how old is that movie? 15 years old?

K: Dunno, let’s see what Google says.. Daaaamn, it’s from 1999. That’s 21 years ago. I’m sure that the now shitty visual affects must have been a trip back then.

V: Correct.

K: I don’t care really, I don’t think I’ll give it another shot. I have already spent enough time on Netflix during this pandemic.

V: Ha, the pandemic. What a shit show. But then again, it’s what you make of it.

K: Fuck you. But yeah, you’re right. I guess I’ve been just surviving instead of thriving.

V: Nobody cares, but okay.

K: True hahaha. Hey, you remember that Jew that fired me a few years back?

V: Yeah. And you’re supposed to say “Jewish person”.

K: Well, I love reminding myself that I now make twice if not thrice what he makes.

V: You’re not exactly supposed to feed your ego like that, but he was a sneaky piece of shit.

K: So in this context would it be anti-Semitic to say he was a Jewish sneaky piece of shit?

V: Well it depends.

K: I know, but it truly isn’t, because in this case, the fact that he is Jewish and a sneaky piece shit are unrelated, in my opinion at least.

V: So, you’re good,

K: Yeah and speaking of Jews, I watched the first season of Fauda on Netflix and that shit’s a bit too intense to watch before going to sleep.

V: Is it good?

K: It’s not bad and regarding anti-Semitism, if I were anti-Semitic I would enjoy the parts of the show where Jewish people get blown to bits, which I don’t necessarily do.

V: Because at the end of the day we’re all humans?

K: Yes? Maybe, I mean, sure whatever.

Here we are again

Kris: So, here we are again.

Vlad: What did you do this time?

Kris: Nothing, why do you always think the worst of me?

V: What did you do this time?

Kris: I really didn’t do anything.

V: I don’t believe you.

Kris: That’s your problem, not mine.

Still looking for a tutor haha.

Kris: So, it’s been two weeks and I’m still looking for an English tutor for my boss. Today I decided to not hold back and just write a post stating that my boss was looking for a pretty, key word being “pretty”, tutor hoping to get better results i.e. at least half-decent looking applicants.

Vlad: How did that work out?

Kris: All the ugly ones that applied last week and I beautifully ignored got monumentally pissed.

Vlad: Beautiful.

Kris: I felt a bit bad for them so I replied this to one comment:

Hi, I sent your info to him last week and he did not reply. Hence, my continuation of the search. My boss is a nice guy and I can guarantee you that his mere purpose is to learn English. He somehow thinks that he will be more motivated to learn if his teacher is pretty. The term “pretty” being a delicate and very subjective issue so I hereby apologise to you and everybody else who might have felt a certain way about my post.

Vlad: How sensible of you, you’re making progress.

Kris: That’s what my psychologist says.

Lifeguards and waiters

Kris: I stayed at a small resort for the weekend and one afternoon I was reading by the pool when to my amazement the lifeguard decided to go for a swim.

Vlad: In the pool?

Kris: Yeah.

V: So?

Kris: It’s the equivalent of a waiter deciding to sit down at one of the tables he’s serving and order some food.

V: But if he doesn’t swim once in a while how is he gonna keep his lifeguarding skills up to date?

Kris: Hmm..

The beggars

Kris: So, I went to this nice restaurant for lunch and upon arrival there was a family of beggars blocking the entrance. The mother asked me for money for milk for her infant child, she held her hand out and I high-fived her feeling like I had made a new friend. As I was having my delicious lunch on the good side of the window it was very entertaining to observe them.

Keneth

Kris: Yo, I met a girl named Keneth.

Vlad: Really?

Kris: No, she’s a man. Actually, she’s the eleventh child and her parents ran out of ideas..

Vlad: So her parents gave her a man’s name?

Kris: Eggzactly. And they spelled it wrong.

Private tutors

Kris: For a week I’ve been trying to find an English tutor for my boss and all I keep finding are creatures that look like they just climbed out of the earth or got hit by a truck or both.

Vlad: Why do you always have to be such an asshole?

Kris: It’s not me, it’s my boss who wants a pretty girl to teach him English.

V: So he basically wants to fuck her?

Kris: I find it interesting how people keep saying that. I’m on his side, I wouldn’t want to look at a turd for an hour every day if I had the choice.

Never take your passport on an international flight

Kris: Today I took somebody to the airport who forgot his passport.

Vlad: A friend?

Kris: We were, until he forgot his passport.

V: What, you unfriended him on Facebook?

Kris: We’d already arrived and he asked me, I repeat, he asked me whether I could drive to his home, I repeat, his home, i repeat again, he asked ME to drive to HIS home to get the passport HE forgot.

V: What did you do?

Kris: I said “sure” and went to get an ice cream.